He’s Gone

I find myself going back and forth from staring out a window for minutes on end, to not being able to sit still.

Sleep is definitely harder to come by, even though my body and mind are exhausted.

I feel as if my body is being pushed and pulled in different directions.  My day is going great! Everything is fine! Then I remember, oh ya, he’s gone.

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Yall, I just don’t do very well when Andrew leaves.  He’s on assignment for a week in South Texas, so it’s not like he’s across the country.  AND he’s bringin’ home the bacon so that awesome too.  The thing is, well, he’s gone.

Point: Isn’t it funny how core issues manifest themselves?

I know he loves me, he tells me all the time, bla bla bla, but for some reason, when that man goes on a trip I am convinced he’s “over it” and would rather be on the open road than with me.  No matter how many times he reassures me, it just wont sink into my heart.

Where in the world did this come from??  I have a Daddie that loves and adores me and tells me all the time.  Mama Jean is a Mama Bear with the most tender heart, ‘nough said.  So cross Parent Issues off the list.

I have been looping around this wound for a few years now.  I would love to say that I have it all figured out, and here are my healthy coping tools.  But I can’t.  The truth is, with all my analyzing, I not much closer to understanding why this affects me so much.  And I definitely tend to seclude myself, drink wine, and stare at a TV screen.

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On a good day I realize that Andrew leaving is actually really beneficial for me.  I am perhaps becoming too dependent on him and this short time apart is a good opportunity for me to reconnect with the One who first captured my heart and soul: My Savior.  I do have to remind myself that Andrew will fail me, he will leave (even if for a bit), but there is One who has never left my side, not for a moment.

But there are days this does not come to mind as quickly.  There are days I’m tense, frustrated, self-pitying, removed and rather bitter.  I still don’t fully understand why.

What is even more beyond my comprehension is that God loves me, God loves us, in spite of all of this.

And that, is what gets me through the day.

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